Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful to have celebrated my son's 14th birthday this week. He is my firstborn, my first baby love and my only son. We have been through so much, which I have touched on a little in the past. But for each challenge we have faced, it has only made our successes that much sweeter. Fourteen years ago, I became a mother for the first time. When we found out I was pregnant, I didn't know what to expect. I was an only child, so taking care of a baby was something I knew nothing about. I thought having a baby was all about cute babies, baby clothes, stinky diapers, bottles and decorating a nursery. I was so completely clueless about the magnitude of love that was about to take over me, the soul changing and complete rearrangement of priorities. I will never forget the first night we went to the hospital. It was 5 weeks early and we were completely unprepared. I remember the nurse escorting us to the delivery room and as I walked in, I stopped in the doorway. Eric bumped into me because he didn't expect me to stop so abruptly. I stood there looking at the medical equipment and it dawned on me for what seemed like the first time, I am going to have a baby! The nurse gave me a gown and instructed me to go in the bathroom and change. I shut the door behind me and leaned on the door forever, trying to catch my breath. Suddenly, it was not about being pregnant, there was a REAL baby at the end of this pregnancy! Alex was not born that night. They sent us home, saying they shouldn't see us for at least another 4-5 weeks. A Jamaican nurse chewed me out for being dehydrated and told me if I only drank some water, I wouldn't have contractions. Whatever, I was really in no mood to be chastised. We were back the next night and Alex was born the following morning. There were complications so I was only able to hold him long enough to take a couple pictures. Then he was whisked away to be "checked out" and I didn't see him again for another 10 (yes, TEN) hours. Nobody told me what was going on, they just kept saying they were checking him and he will be back shortly. Finally, after totally losing it with the poor nurse who had just came in to introduce herself at the beginning of her shift, she rolled him in. I was in awe of this perfect little bundle. It was the first time I really looked at him, his birth was such a scary blur. My mother had flown in by then and I asked her to pick him up because I was so unsure, so afraid to do it all wrong. As she held him, he was sleeping and he began to "sing" in his sleep. That was the moment I melted, fell head over heels in love with my son and became a mother. For many months, he "sang" in his sleep. The way he breathed caused him to make a sighing noise with each breath he took. It was a sign of his immature respiratory system, but still the sweetest sound you ever heard. I often would sit and just listen to his song.

So today, I am thankful for everything the last 14 years has brought us ~ our family, my greatest treasure. After his birth, we learned just how perilous the situation was. If I had gone full term, he would not have survived. He is a survivor, my miracle, my inspiration and my heart. I am thankful to God for allowing us to witness this miracle everyday and for the sunshine he brings to our lives.

Happy Birthday Sunshine!!!
(no, I don't call him that anymore in public, but in my heart, he will always be my sunshine)

My Goofy Dog

My Teddy is such a good sport! Linzi wanted to play dress up, only she is still adamant that she will not wear clothes at home, just her p*nties. Which is why my little princess is not in any of these pictures. It's going to be a COLD winter for her! ;D So anyway, who else will model the dress up clothes but Teddy of course! As usual, Teddy was more than happy to pose. He's such a ham! I swear this dog was a supermodel in a previous life. We have so many family shots where the human kids are all looking in different directions, eyes are closed, limbs are blocking faces and then there's Teddy, who jumps in uninvited and strikes a pose with that funny little face, his head cocked just so and always giving us his "good" side.

Unfortunately, I am having some camera issues and the other camera needed a charge, so the pictures are not the best quality. I had planned on asking Santa for a new camera, but at this rate, I don't know if I can wait until Christmas!

Warning . . . Emotional Rambling ahead :D

I was driving in my car and this song, Everything to Me, came on the radio. I love Mark Schultz, but I have never heard this song. I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions! Maybe I am a little hormonal, but I had to park the car and just cry. I cried for Linzi and I cried for her birthmother . Maybe it is denial on my part (I know it is!), but it is very hard for me to imagine Linzi's birthmother as a REAL person. I think of her with gratitude and affection, but somehow, she's just not tangible. This song took me to a place I hadn't let myself go to. Based on what we DO know about Linzi's first weeks, I do believe in my heart that her birth mother struggled with her decision (if she had a choice) and most likely took care of Linzi for several weeks or even a couple of months before placing her on the steps of a hospital, the safest place one could think of. Linzi was several weeks old when she was brought to the orphanage. Notice how I can't even say the words "abandon" or "found" when I talk about it? It's just too painful to say it and I don't want to believe it. I choose my words carefully. Maybe that is why I have never been able to imagine her birth mother as a real person. My heart aches for her. One other fact that has always spoke volumes was that Linzi was wrapped in a white quilt. She comes from a city that has a primarily Tibetan culture and in Tibetan culture, they would wrap a white scarf around a loved one when they said goodbye to symbolize their wish of a safe journey. As we left her province, our guide wrapped white scarves around our necks in the airport to wish us a safe journey. I will never forget the solemn and sincere look in her eyes as she wrapped the scarf around my neck and draped it on Linzi as she said goodbye. She went down the line and did that for each family in our group. That white scarf is my most treasured keepsake from China, it is also symbolic of the white quilt that began her journey to us. I imagine her birth family had the same intention as they wrapped her in that white quilt on that fateful fall day. Also, in Chinese culture, white is the color of mourning. We wear black to a funeral, they wear white. So I like to believe that Linzi's quilt was symbolic of the birth family's wish of a safe journey and/or their mourning. I have locked these feelings deep inside my heart and one day I will tell Linzi what I know for a fact, what I would like to believe and do my best help her to process it a healthy way. So when I heard this song today, it surfaced all the emotions I have, emotions I can imagine her birth mother may have and the emotions that Linzi will deal with as she grows and understands her story. You can listen to the song and see the video here, but be warned! The story of the video is about a birthmother and domestic adoption, but the emotions are universal regardless of how adoption has touched your life. It WILL make you cry and depending on where you are in your heart right now, it might be hard to watch. Even though it left me an emotional wreck, I think it was healthy because it gave me good dose of reality. Hopefully that will help me to better handle Linzi's questions and feelings when they come. She still lives in her happy little world, oblivious for the moment. But she has started to comment on her black hair and my blond hair, her brown eyes and my blue eyes. She knows she is from China and to her China is a magical, wonderful place. The tough questions are just around the corner, I am sure!


Starting this fall, on the anniversary of the day that Linzi was brought to the orphanage, I am going to start talking with her and honoring her birth mother on this day. I would like to believe that on that day, her birth mother is thinking of the baby she said goodbye to and wondering about her. We will be thinking of her, praying that she has peace in her heart and will somehow know that Linzi is loved, happy, has unlimited opportunities ahead and most of all, she is cherished beyond measure.

I bought this book last year but haven't read it to Linzi yet because she wasn't really ready. We will try again this year. It is wonderful for this type of discussion. I highly recommend it! You can order the book here.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for tea parties with Linzi and the reminder to put everything aside and enjoy every little moment with her. I was busy paying bills and Linzi kept hollering for me to come to her room. She kept saying "You gotta see this". I was a little frustrated to have to get up in the middle of what I was doing because I just wanted to get it done. But after her persistent calls, I went upstairs to find a complete spread laid out for me. My heart melted and I felt so bad for my reluctance. She had pulled out her best china tea set and used the bright green bottom of a storage box for a tray. She had all kinds of little plastic food to snack on and all the utensils. She even "set" the table perfectly. I wish I had taken a picture, but it would have required me to leave the room again, which I was not going to do. We had the best tea party ever. It was a very sweet moment, and a reminder of what really matters.

I am thankful that boys will always be boys and you just have to laugh about it. Alex goes to his "club" everyday, which is nothing more than a mud pit in the middle of a creek. He comes home all muddy and gross. Frustrating and amusing at the same time. You just gotta laugh.

I am thankful to hear these words all day "Mommy, are you my best friend?" and "I love you forever, and ever, and ever, and ever, and ever. . . ." She has such a loving spirit.

I am thankful for the little spot of rain we got tonight. After 100+ temps and no rain for the entire month of August, it was a huge relief. I just happened to be driving through a strip mall when it came and all the people in all the shops were coming outside to watch the rain. I was waiting to see someone dance in the rain. I sure wanted to!

An Interview with Linzi

What is your favorite color? "I like Pink Sparkles"

What is your favorite animal? "Teddy's" (notice the plural? Teddy is our dog!)

What is your favorite thing to do? "Mommy" (awww, I think she means hanging out w/mommy)

What is your favorite food? "Purple Popsicles" (if you look closely at the photos above, you will see a purple stained mouth and teeth ~ she just had a popsicle)

What is your favorite game? "Ponies" of course ;D

What do you want for your birthday? "Ponies, cakes and presents" Notice plural on everything ;)

What do want to be when you grow up? "A pony lady" what else?

What is your favorite tv show? "The Wonder Pets"

What color should we paint your big girl room? "Rainbow sparkles" (any ideas on how to do that one?!)

A girl and her kitty. . .

Linzi & Annabelle, our sweet kitty (aka Belle-Belles or Bella)

All Puttered Out

We have a lot of tile on our first floor and the perfect layout for Linzi to make a figure eight on her trike or scooter all throughout the first floor. When it's too hot, too cold or too wet to play outside, I will let her ride through the house to burn off some energy. On this day, I was busy cleaning. One minute she was going around in circles, but then she never came back. Seriously, in a matter of about 1-2 minutes, she went from cycling gleefully past me to this. . .

Teddy, our dog is the moviestar in our family. Anytime the camera comes out, he has to jump in and pose too. After the pictures, he lay his head down next to her and stayed with her until she woke up. He's such a good boy.

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday will be over in 13 minutes, but this has been my first opportunity to sit down at the computer! What a whirlwind of a day!

Today I am thankful to have so many friends in the adoption community. Today, that special circle of friends grew a little larger. We finally met Debbie & LiLi in person. It feels odd to say that I just met her, because I feel like I have known her for a long while now. LiLi is so beautiful and has such a little personality. Lucy & Ally joined us too. This is the second time I have met Ally since she came home. Lucy and I go back to when I first brought Linzi home, our older daughters went to brownies together. I am so looking forward to getting to know Ally better and can't wait until she feels comfortable enough to let me hold her and spoil her a little. :D It was so nice to chat with Lucy and Debbie and let the girls run loose in the playpit. Then we took a walk to Nordstrom's and ran into Sharon and her daughters Ella Kate and her amazingly sweet big sister. What a wonderful and small world surprise that was! I had planned on taking pictures, but I never pulled my camera out, not even once! I left it up to the professional. :-) The girls were constantly on the go, but Debbie got some cute shots, especially of LiLi, the little shopper girl with her bags.

I am especially thankful that Linzi felt much better after her ordeal at the dentist yesterday. (See last post) In the morning, she was still a little bit shut down, but by noon, she was back to her silly self. And her lip doesn't look near as bad as I thought it would. She is a fast healer. Thank you so much for the sweet comments. I know you mommas understand how I felt yesterday.

I am thankful that the first week of school seems to be going well and for the little bit of freedom it gives me. ;-)

I am thankful for the way Linzi expresses her love so freely and uninhibitedly. (sp?) She says to me several times a day "Mommy, do you know how much I love you?" When I ask how much, she says "I just love you forever, and ever, and ever!" How sweet is that? Sometimes, she will just randomly say "Mommy, I just love you." and then give me a bunch of sloppy kisses. Life is about as sweet as it gets!

Note to Debbie: Linzi and I are going to get some cherries tomorrow and cook up something yummy! Thanks!

My Poor Baby

Today was not a good day for my LuLu. It was awful, just plain awful. Linzi had her first cavity filling (actually it was two). I already felt guilty enough that she even had cavities at all. Neither one of my older two have ever had a cavity and I didn't get my first and only cavity until I was 34 years old. The dentist assured me that they were both very small and in the back molars in the grooves of her teeth where it is difficult to reach. The fact that Linzi has a very strong gag reflex only makes it harder to brush back there. So anyway, today we show up thinking that this is going to be a breeze (that's what they told us). Not so much. The initial numbing and shot went fine. She was completely cooperative. Then came the clampy thing to hold her mouth open. The assistant and the dentist did not notice that the clampy thing was WAY too big for her little mouth. She put it in, locked it open and let go. As soon as she did, Linzi struggled, so they took it out. The assistants and the dentist then proceed to marvel at just how BIG the stupid thing was! HELLO?!!! So I am hugging Linzi, trying to calm her down and choke back my own tears because this was SO unnecessary. I was seriously worried that they may have injured her jaw, so I asked the dentist if she was okay and the dentist says "She's fine, she's just not used to the numbing." ????? They then gave her a little gas and she calmed down enough for them to do what they needed to do. The rest of the procedure went smoothly enough. But what broke my heart was the way Linzi completely shut down. This is her coping mechanism and it was strangely reminiscent of our first days in China. She just stared straight ahead, no expression, no eye contact. It was like she was in a trance. They had warned me to watch her chewing her lip, because she was numb, she could chew right through it and not even feel it. They said it happens all the time, so they stuck a cotton roll in her mouth to help her resist the temptation. As I am paying the bill, the girl behind the desk suddenly yells "HEY!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!" in a harsh loud voice. I nearly jumped out of my skin and looked down to see her biting her lip and trembling. I know this woman was trying to keep Linzi from hurting herself and but to Linzi, it sounded like she was yelling at her. Sure enough, Linzi had bit her lip pretty hard and it was starting bleed a little already. AND since Linzi was already in shut down mode AND since she cannot tolerate anyone fussing at her, she buried her head on my chest and silently had a huge meltdown. The silent ones are ALWAYS the worst. The woman felt horrible and another assistant stepped in to try to help, but Linzi would not look up. I finally got her out to the car and as I was strapping her in her car seat, she locked eyes with me and the tears started pouring out her eyes before she ever made a sound, the sobs followed. It was the most helpless, awful feeling I remember ever having with her. We have been so fortunate that she has never really been too sick or had any trauma. This was our first real traumatic incident. I tried to make it up to her with some spoon fed soft serve ice cream (her favorite) but she only had three bites. So we went home and snuggled in bed until she fell asleep. They warned me that her lip will probably swell up and look pretty bad for a few days. GREAT, because tomorrow, we finally get to meet Debbie and LiLi. Lucy & Ally will be there too. I am so looking forward to this and I am sure there will be lots of pics of our little princesses. I know I will be snapping away, but Debbie is the one with the real talent. Just look for the beautiful LiLi, Ally and her captivating smile and Linzi with the big, bloody swollen lip. Poor Baby. :-(

First Day of School

The First Day of School
Mandi woke me up this morning about 2 hours before her bus. She needed to straighten her hair, have her fingernails painted and put on the little bit of makeup that she is allowed to wear. She also wanted time to "relax". WHO is this young teenage girl living down the hall? What did she do with my little Mandi girl? Anyway, she left the house looking beautiful, as always and very excited to start her big middle school adventure.

Alex was Mr. Cool. You would never guess he was going to a whole new school with completely different students and teachers. He was also ready in no time and even had some time to watch a show he recorded on the DVR last night.

After seeing them off, Linzi & I spent the day just hanging out, playing her Angelina Ballerina board game, watching her pony movie and playing. When we picked Alex up, he said his day was as perfect as he could have hoped. It brought tears to my eyes to have my son get in the car so happy about school. This is HUGE for us. Mandi got off the school bus absolutely mortified that I had walked out to meet her. :D Lucky for her, we are the last stop and no one saw. I guess I won't do that again. Other than having me at the bus stop, she had a wonderful day. She had lots of old friends in her classes and liked her teachers. She really thinks she is going to enjoy middle school. As she is sitting there telling me about her day, it struck me just how mature she was, in the way she spoke, her body movements, the way she talked with Alex and Linzi and the way she rolled her eyes at me when I said something goofy. My babies are growing up faster than I ever imagined possible!

It's just me and you babe!

LOVE this song!

I have added this song because the lyrics ring so true in my heart. Everytime it comes on, I have to stop what I am doing and just listen. Our lives are filled with so many small wonders, and those wonders are the blessings that make each day worth celebrating. The widget is all the way at the bottom if you want to turn it off.

A Perfect Day

We had the most wonderful day on the lake today. It was the perfect way to end our summer break. We are looking forward to a weekend of more fun and sun, celebrating Eric's birthday and the kids' last weekend of summer vacation. On Monday, I will send them off and then I have Linzi all to myself for a few weeks until preschool starts. :D I am looking forward to this, because right now, Linzi's whole world revolves around her sissy. Just this morning, I asked Mandi to pick up her room. When I went looking for Linzi, she was jumping on Mandi's bed while Mandi folded clothes. Music was blaring and she was just happy to be breathing the same air as her sister. I LOVE how they love each other, but I want my baby back!!!

Ponies!!!

Well, today, Linzi met the ponies! She was so overwhelmed that she turned all bashful on us. We picked Joe and Glory to come for the party. They will be dressed up as Princesses, complete with pink and purple ribbons, saddles and tulle. I feel kind of bad for Joe. I guess he is secure enough in his masculinity to dress like a princess for the little ones. :D Joe is a regular sized horse and oh is he ever sweet! This guy just came over to the fence and stayed with us the entire time. He kept leaning over for a kiss from each of us and he never took his sweet gentle eyes off of Linzi. I have never met a more gentle, loving and charismatic horse! Glory is the small pony that will come for the little ones. She is also very sweet, very calm and beautiful. She will make a beautiful princess pony. She is also going to be a mommy in March.

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for

My family's health. There has been loss in our circle this past week. A woman I know is now a widowed mom. Her husband passed away unexpectedly last Saturday. If you pray, please pray for her and her children.

I am thankful for ponies! They give my Linzi such joy and spark her imagination. This morning we are going to a farm to pick out her ponies for her birthday party. This will be her first REAL pony encounter since this obsession started. I can't wait to see her reaction.

I am thankful for the routine that will be instilled in our lives next week when school starts. We are so lazy in the summer!

I am thankful for amazing opportunities that lie ahead this school year for all of our children. Linzi will be starting preschool for the first time. Mandi will be starting middle school and Alex will be going to a wonderful private school. Very exciting for all three of them!

I am thankful that some things this week did not turn out to be as big of a deal as they appeared. My car was towed (just the battery) and our boat is in the shop. Still waiting on the diagnosis, but we don't expect it to be major. Two major repair bills this week would have stunk!

We have a date with a pony this morning so I must be off! :D Hopefully, I will get some pictures of Linzi and her true love to post them later.

Back to School

Since this is our last week before school starts, we have so much to do. Linzi has a dentist appointment, we still have some more shopping, a party to plan and the kids just want to have fun these last days. Speaking of shopping, I am LOVING the whole idea of school uniforms. ALL schools, public and private, should institute a uniform policy. For Alex's back to school clothes, I stopped at the uniform store and walked out 20 min later with shirts in all the colors he is allowed with the emblem on it. Then I found khaki docker shorts on sale for 1/2 off, so I bought a week's worth of those. Stopped at the mall for a pair of "conservative" white sneakers, stocked up on socks & boxers at Old Navy and he's DONE! So easy and much, much cheaper. Now Mandi does not have school uniforms. AND she is starting middle school, so fashion is everything. At her school, you are so NOT cool if you are not wearing Abercrombie, Hollister, American Eagle or Aeropostale. Of course, the style is all about layering, so you need several shirts in all colors to layer. UGH!!! I have spent more money on "cool" t-shirts than I ever thought I would! And then there are the accessories. She is all into the accessories, so I finally had to tell her she can buy those with her allowance. About 5 minutes later, she says "Mom, you really should go have an evening out with Dad. I'll watch Linzi for you." HUH?!!! :D I guess it is a win/win for everybody, so I will take her up on her offer since Eric's Bday is Sunday. Smart, smart girl.

Have a great week everyone!

Thankful Thursday Indeed. . .

This Thankful Thursday is especially meaningful to our family.

It was this exact day, Aug. 2nd, three years ago, that our lives were changed forever. It was the day that I saw my youngest daughter's face for the very first time. Today is our Referral Anniversary. How can I ever begin to describe just how thankful I am to have her in my life? I will forever owe my deepest gratitude to God, her birth mother, her first caregivers, China, our wonderful agency & my husband for making it possible. On this day three years ago, I was pacing the floor, waiting for the phone to ring, making the dog and everyone else almost as nervous as I was. Finally, at 1:30 p.m., the phone rings. I see CCAI on the caller id and I was crying before I even answered the phone. After we got all the stats, Eric, the kids and I gathered around the computer to open the email that contained her picture. This is the sweet face that captured my heart, made me laugh, cry and took my breath away all at the same time and changed our lives in so many wonderful ways.

Today, I will hold her close, and whisper another prayer of gratitude for my dear, sweet girl. I can honestly say that EVERY day since that day, I have never forgotten, for even one second, just how grateful I am to be her mommy!


I am also thankful for all the delays in our adoption that were so frustrating at the time. Because without them, we would have ended up with another little girl, whom I am sure I would have loved just as dearly, but she would not be my Linzi Lu. For all the parents caught in this long wait, I can only imagine how you long for your child. But I promise you, wherever your journey takes you, when your day finally comes and you hold that child in your arms and look into her/his eyes, you will know that THIS is THE child that you were meant to love. In that moment, the timing will make sense and the pain of the wait will be worth it a million times over.

On a much lighter note, I am thankful to have passed my state real estate exam! YEAH! I am putting my license on inactive status, for now anyway. I am planning on starting my career when Linzi goes to kindergarten (2 more years). Another thing I am thankful for. (to be home for two more years, not her going to kindergarten! LOL)

I am thankful to have the exam behind me and to be able to focus on my kiddos 100% for the last days of summer break.