Warning . . . Emotional Rambling ahead :D

I was driving in my car and this song, Everything to Me, came on the radio. I love Mark Schultz, but I have never heard this song. I was not prepared for the onslaught of emotions! Maybe I am a little hormonal, but I had to park the car and just cry. I cried for Linzi and I cried for her birthmother . Maybe it is denial on my part (I know it is!), but it is very hard for me to imagine Linzi's birthmother as a REAL person. I think of her with gratitude and affection, but somehow, she's just not tangible. This song took me to a place I hadn't let myself go to. Based on what we DO know about Linzi's first weeks, I do believe in my heart that her birth mother struggled with her decision (if she had a choice) and most likely took care of Linzi for several weeks or even a couple of months before placing her on the steps of a hospital, the safest place one could think of. Linzi was several weeks old when she was brought to the orphanage. Notice how I can't even say the words "abandon" or "found" when I talk about it? It's just too painful to say it and I don't want to believe it. I choose my words carefully. Maybe that is why I have never been able to imagine her birth mother as a real person. My heart aches for her. One other fact that has always spoke volumes was that Linzi was wrapped in a white quilt. She comes from a city that has a primarily Tibetan culture and in Tibetan culture, they would wrap a white scarf around a loved one when they said goodbye to symbolize their wish of a safe journey. As we left her province, our guide wrapped white scarves around our necks in the airport to wish us a safe journey. I will never forget the solemn and sincere look in her eyes as she wrapped the scarf around my neck and draped it on Linzi as she said goodbye. She went down the line and did that for each family in our group. That white scarf is my most treasured keepsake from China, it is also symbolic of the white quilt that began her journey to us. I imagine her birth family had the same intention as they wrapped her in that white quilt on that fateful fall day. Also, in Chinese culture, white is the color of mourning. We wear black to a funeral, they wear white. So I like to believe that Linzi's quilt was symbolic of the birth family's wish of a safe journey and/or their mourning. I have locked these feelings deep inside my heart and one day I will tell Linzi what I know for a fact, what I would like to believe and do my best help her to process it a healthy way. So when I heard this song today, it surfaced all the emotions I have, emotions I can imagine her birth mother may have and the emotions that Linzi will deal with as she grows and understands her story. You can listen to the song and see the video here, but be warned! The story of the video is about a birthmother and domestic adoption, but the emotions are universal regardless of how adoption has touched your life. It WILL make you cry and depending on where you are in your heart right now, it might be hard to watch. Even though it left me an emotional wreck, I think it was healthy because it gave me good dose of reality. Hopefully that will help me to better handle Linzi's questions and feelings when they come. She still lives in her happy little world, oblivious for the moment. But she has started to comment on her black hair and my blond hair, her brown eyes and my blue eyes. She knows she is from China and to her China is a magical, wonderful place. The tough questions are just around the corner, I am sure!


Starting this fall, on the anniversary of the day that Linzi was brought to the orphanage, I am going to start talking with her and honoring her birth mother on this day. I would like to believe that on that day, her birth mother is thinking of the baby she said goodbye to and wondering about her. We will be thinking of her, praying that she has peace in her heart and will somehow know that Linzi is loved, happy, has unlimited opportunities ahead and most of all, she is cherished beyond measure.

I bought this book last year but haven't read it to Linzi yet because she wasn't really ready. We will try again this year. It is wonderful for this type of discussion. I highly recommend it! You can order the book here.