Is it possible to feel happy, relieved and heartbroken at the same time?

Because that is how I am feeling today. I wasn't going to write about little Cai because she isn't my daughter. But she could have been. I love this child. It would be so easy for me to love her with the same intensity and fierce momma love that I feel for my other three children. Boy, did I ever want to. She will forever own a piece of my heart. So I will write about her this once, and then hopefully, I will hear that she is living happily ever after in her new life. We will move on.

Eric and I were sure that our family was complete. Until I saw Cai. When I saw her little face, I knew I could love her instantly. Cai is from the same orphanage that Linzi spent her first year in. She reminds me of Linzi both physically and from her personality description. They were even found in the same type of location - not the same spot, but the same kind of place. I told Eric about her and before he could say anything, I asked him to keep an open mind. Please pray about it before making any definitive decisions. He agreed. We talked, we prayed and I dreamed of our whole family going to China to bring her home. I even envisioned visiting the orphanage with Linzi so her caretaker could see what an amazingly wonderful little girl she has grown to be. Then we would claim Cai as our daughter and whisk her home, to a happily ever after life - in our house. Unfortunately, situations in our lives made it painfully clear that it was not meant to be for us. If things were different, I KNOW we would have thrown caution to the wind and followed our hearts.

I came to peace with the fact she wasn't coming home with us, and we continued to pray for her as a family. We prayed for her health, her surgery and a family of her own. Another Gansu mommy, the one who advocated for her surgery, loves her as desperately as I do - maybe even more. There was a glimmer of hope that they would decide to adopt her. I wanted this to happen so badly, for them, for Cai and for me. If I couldn't be her mommy, at least I could be a very small part of her life from afar. I could send her and her sister birthday gifts, Christmas cards and correspond through email. Because this mom is the one who saw her first, loved her for months and advocated for her to have her surgery, it was only right that she would be the one to hold Cai in her arms someday. What a beautiful story.

Our prayers have been answered, just not exactly the way I had hoped. Cai's surgery was funded and took place last night while we slept. She IS the perfect, happy and silly child I imagined her to be according to the LWB volunteers' description of her. And she now has a family!

Today I heard that there is a family who will have the great honor and priviledge to be Cai's family. I don't know who they are. I am sure they are lovely people. I am sure that they will love and cherish Cai and give her the best life has to offer. Truly, I am happy for them and for her. This is exactly what I prayed for.

Selfishly, I am sad. But I will get over it. It's not about me or what I wanted. It's about what is best for Cai. Somewhere out there, another family is anxiously preparing their home and hearts for little Cai. I hope that I will connect with them, somehow. If I ever have the opportunity, I want them to know just how deeply their little girl has touched me and so many other people who worked so hard to raise the money for her surgery. I wish them all the happiness in the world and hope that things proceed smoothly so she can be home as soon as possible. So with a heavy heart, I am so very happy today. Does that make any sense at all???